Are you more of a survivor or a victim? Some people exclusively use the term “survivor” over “victim,” and vice versa.

” I beg you take courage! The brave soul can mend even disaster”

–  Catherine The Great

Digging for courage within myself became my daily bread, first in the hospital, and later at home.

For the first three weeks I was completely stuck in bed, immobilised and reliant on nurses to wash and change me. The only things I was doing myself was breathing, seeing, hearing and feeling pain, both emotional and physical.

In week 4 my physiotherapist, Ashleen started to sit me up on bed, which was the first huge baby step in my recovery. What a shock for my body it was. I was fainting after few seconds of propping my body up. It took us few days to repeat it before sitting became natural again.

The second step was to sit me up and let me legs hang down the bed. They warned me that I can feel a weird electricity like sensation in my legs, it’s blood circulating down the veins in vertical way for the first time in a month. Indeed, it was a shock, I started to faint again. And as with sitting, this step also took few days to repeat before it felt ok.

The third step was exciting and scary at the same time. With the help of 3 physiotherapist and one nurse I was being moved from the bed to the chair. It was the first time in a month when I put my healthier left leg on the ground. It was somewhat touching. Sitting on the chair made me feel a little healthier since I haven’t had to be in my bed all the time. This routine was repeated every morning from that moment on. I will never forget reaction of my friend Kasia and her son Alex, when they entered a room and saw me sitting. We all ended up crying the tears of joy of this tiny yet so important breakthrough. Kasia took a picture of me on the chair and sent to our group of friends. Their touching and loving reactions were priceless. It was the first moment when I felt more courage in me and will to push forward.

With step three came step four. My digestion system started to work better when I was propped. Being in bed for so long, and reliant on dippers and nurses was dehumanising, I felt my dignity was challenged here. This whole thing blocked me so much that I suffered from constipation, surely affected by medications as well as my psychological blockage. Since I started to feel more empowered, my digestion system became more active and I was on the chair and not in bed, I didn’t want to be on dippers anymore. I asked my nurses to come with solution to take me to ladies. It was the whole operation! With the help of four nurses, one holding my leg, the other two pushing the commode chair and last one opening the bathroom door they managed to install the chair over the toilet leaving me to my business. I can’t express in words how liberating and wonderful it was to satisfy my most basic physiological needs all by myself. A beautiful tear of joy run down my cheek this day. It made me realise how much I used to take things for granted.

The fifth step was to stand me up holding on to the frame and do some gentle movement of my severely injured leg. It took few days again before passing out stopped. On the beginning passing out took place around one minute after doing the exercise, but with the repetition in the following days I felt I built the endurance to be up for around 5 minutes before my body was too weak to continue.

The sixth step was to hop on my left leg holding on to the frame. The idea was to hop away from my room to the corridor. Couldn’t make it during the first try as my body was passing out again. Few days later I saw the corridor of my ward for the first time. It was a wonderful feeling. Another important breakthrough. My perspective was expanding, now I could see what was happening beyond my hospital room. I was up on my leg, facing people from upright position. It was a progress. Few weeks later I could hop the whole length of the corridor and back. The strength was building up.

Seventh step was related to another basic yet indispensable task of taking a shower by myself. It was in the second month in the hospital when my favourite sparkly nurse came in the morning with a bowl of water to wash me. He stopped half way coming up with an idea of taking me to the shower room instead. I liked the idea and was scared of it at the same time, knowing that my body was still weak and I was paranoid that another accident can happen. But she knew what she was doing and I trusted her. Again, taking me there on the commode chair was like a big adventure. When I was finally installed under the shower and left alone, I couldn’t stop smiling. Water has healing property that goes way beyond simple hydration.

Taking this first shower in months cleansed me from stress, and increased my energy and sense of bliss. I felt like a five years old child in Disneyland, just pure joy. Such simple shower provided me with magic. Its warmth embraced me in perfect union with its relaxing and soothing sound. Again, I realised, how underappreciative I was before the accident realising how much for granted, I was taking such blissful things like this. Sometimes I was so busy in my mind that I was not even remembering taking one. Now it was a different story. I was in beautiful state of awareness and remained in the shower until water got cold. It was time to come back to bed.

What were your steps to betterment? Your sharing can help others to find an inspiration.

Much love,

Kasia