Inspirational Quote

Crush of my Life

by admin | Apr 19, 2021 | Resources

Note from an Admin – An incredible story from an incredible man and Survivor… happy to share the story of Giovanni – “Crush of his Life” right below. It takes gigantic balls to admit to own mistakes, face them, apologize and move on rebuilding one’s life for better after such a traumatic accident…Giovanni – you rock!

THE “MONSTER”

Life was beautiful but… something changed…

With this letter I want to share my experience of an accident that changed my life, like that of so many other people, giving as a positive foreword, I declare that what happened to me is considered a blessing, thanks to it, the “monster” that I had become with the passing of time, which was slowly disrupting my life, that event, which came on the 2nd of February of the year 2018, triggered a chain of consecutive events that led me to clearly see how my sad life could have changed in a happier life but, before aching this conclusion, the road traveled was long, rough, painful, full of physical and mental disorders, where I realized that my “Myself ” was nothing more than the consequence of negative experiences and abuses of a lifetime , disorders never cured and hidden by the hypocrisy of those who do not realise how their lives were going in the wrong direction; the accident resulted in the beating of the butterfly’s wings which created a hurricane inside me, a hurricane that devastated everything I believed in, a hurricane that cleaned up that dusty old cellar where I had abandoned and hid my real “Myself” the unique individual, special, wonderful as I am,satisfied and positive where every day of my life and getting better and better, every day more; my permanent defect now does not affect my life, it only makes it more particular and thanks to the associations of events that happened to me all together, in the same period of time, they made me realize, that I am aware of who I was, of what I am no longer ,  to what I am now and what my new way of thinking wants and can constantly improve my life, which takes on a fantastic look, simply because I have developed the ability to see what is facing me towards different perspectives, as a jeweler observes a diamond in all its positions to joyfully examine every different reflection of the light.

As if observing a diamond, my accident is just one of the many reflections that life has revealed to me, and it was necessary to observe that reflection to understand how invaluable the diamond itself was; my life had become a series of continuous family catastrophes, I was a man who went from loving to despising his partner, my person had turned into an arrogant, conceited, narcissistic individual; everything was an obvious effect of my past life but, I had nonetheless become a husband and a father, and these two responsibilities instead of becoming a source of joy only fueled the depressive state that has accompanied me since the age of 12, which I have always hidden well but, a frantic and stressful vote to transform my “Myself” into what should not and did not deserve to exist.

Many people spend their entire lives in fear, anguish, depression and not even notice, live and die unhappy, others, like me have received the grace to become aware of their mistakes, with the help of a push of course, because me, like so many others, would have continued and ended my life in unhappiness, but on the 2nd of February 2018, everything began to change … the change was not radical, but slow and painful… and I can say that I’m not done learning yet, but now I know what’s the right direction for my life.

We go a little back in time and briefly I see a 12-year-old boy who was orphaned by a wonderful father, I was a child who was raised by a mother depressed by the death of her husband, who always tried to do his best, to grown up me is my brother in the best way, but he was not strong enough at the time to consider that material support alone was not enough, I missed so much the radical emotional support from her.

For a child as old as I was, this created traumas that I only became aware of as an adult; my subconscious was filled and shaped  by my family experiences, who created a man who believed he was strong and could dominate his own world even at the expense of crushing others, but that was just a way to hide the secret of a man that always learn to fail and that anyone one of the own dreams cannot never be realized, a man that has not created the own way, but just followed what was right in the opinion of the mother.

Marriage comes and two wonderful little girls arrived in my life, I was the happiest man of the world for the first child and saddest, depressed and disappointed when the second daughter born, sad to say but true.

I always was a super active person, with the hypocrisy of those who are always on the side of reason and never with wrong, with a wife by my side who also had their own problems, my tyrannical presence has become suffocating for her in the relationship, she was perfect, but on my eyes was always wrong…she has always resisted with all the strength that women possess, in the hope that situations could change and improve, but nothing changes without our real commitment  , nothing comes out of nowhere… I was not aware of my problems and I discharged my tension with anger, indifference, disrespect, crushing and trampling on the self-esteem of the wonderful companion I had by my side … I must admit it and I am ashamed of it, I had become the monster, that in the past I was not, that I did not want to be… I needed help but, I did not accept having to go to therapy, I was right, and the therapy was not the solution, because I was convinced that was just for weak people.

I thought I was happy, because I dominated my environment, I worked with a more than satisfactory remuneration, I lived in the house that I bought, that let me feel mine, my family, my mother and my brother were there by my side, even if I did not have the correct support, but they were there available.

In the hope of resolving the difficult relationship with my wife exhausted of me and Italy too, I abandoned everything and everyone, for what I thought was a sake of love; moved to Finland, the mother of my wife’ s homeland, in the hope of changing life, of improving it but, I fell into an even deeper depression and the life as couple was increasingly towards its end.

Two years later we moved to Malta, my wife had found work on that small island, for me it was like a great sigh of relief, returning to a warm country, it gave me hope of recovering from the negative state in which I was completely immersed.

I started working again; my work was for the first time, like a dream but, I persevered to prove hostile… depression does not fade, indeed it worsens if it is not cured and I had reached a point of no return, someone had to do something, I needed an exemplary lesson in life… that is how it was.

THE IMPACT

2nd February 2018 at 13.15

I was going to work with my motorcycle, a perfect solution to move quickly in traffic, without any haste I pass a green light from my direction, but a car come from the right, in a road that crossed mine, the driver did not respect the precedence and without any delay, like a God of the road who does not need to respect the law, because he is the law of the road, he crossed my path at full speed, crossed my way; I didn’t have time to brake of think… and then the impact… it was like going against a wall.

I don’t remember anything until a policeman lifted my helmet and made sure I could regain consciousness and remain conscious until the ambulance arrived….I’m not sure how long it was, between the impact and when I reopened my eyes seeing the policeman, but I realized that I missed a piece of that variable, which we cannot control, which we call “time”; I remember very well that all my thoughts were aimed at persuading the policeman to call my wife and order him to take care of the children, everything else made no real sense.

Without spending too many words unnecessarily describing pain, crying, fear, stress, depression, anxiety, terror… nothing was under my control anymore, everything was like a bad dream from which I hoped to wake up.

Two weeks in hospital… two broken arms and a titanium “Picasso” installed inside my pelvis bone on the right side, which was not simply broken, but had literally been shattered into so many parts, that it was necessary to rebuild around it, a three-dimensional metal cage, there was practically nothing original left, only three small pieces to hold the titanium structure together… the doctor who operated on me, was very honest, the operation had to be difficult and he had never performed such an operation… I had nothing but hope for the best, trust in the hope of recovering leg mobility.

Back home… the same for everyone… nothing to add weeping, cries of pain… depression… etc…..I remember that during the months at home in bed, I desperately asked my wife several times to take me to the hospital with the desire to amputate the leg, I would have preferred to lose my leg rather than continue to endure the suffering and condition of my exhausted mind, devastated by insomnia, physical pain really upsets an individual’s  mind and I realize that painkillers have their limits… but that is just physical pain and you easily forget… for the traumas that are established inside your head, those are a whole different story.

My wife was so shocked, she was not prepared for that situation, she was not up to it, she had to deal with a new reality, manage the children herself, manage my physical problem with the needs I had… the truth was that despite our differences as a couple, she was the only person I had by my side, the only one who I shall have put all my trust, I needed her support.

My wife did not know how to react; the return home was traumatic, she was late for the appointment to the hospital on the day I returned home, she would have to bring my civilian clothes for the return home, I had long dreamed of the serene return home; but her work was more important, her husband had always been the strong man who would have done everything on his own, moreover she was clearly in a state of shock from weeks now.

the shuttle service was scheduled by the hospital and the delay was not allowed, it could not be postponed, I arrived home without my clothes in hospital pajamas, which was taken away from me when I was accommodated in bed; my “serene return home so dreamed” had not gone as I hoped, I was there at home naked and lonely…my wife opened the door to the nurses and then was time to come back to work, it was about 3 pm… I was crying in my bed alone.

The week before I returned, the house had to be temporarily adapted to my disabled state, hospital support had given clear instructions to me and my wife about how the environment needed to be adapted… I will never forget it… I could not use the toilets; the bathroom had not been adapted to my needs before I returned home …. I became a fury…. I was just… I felt lonely… I didn’t have the right support from my partner… and I couldn’t use the toilets…. After about a week, I do not remember well, with my wife’s great approval, my mother came to look after me for the remaining months, to help me where my partner was not able to do it, it has been relieving and frustrating at the same time; obviously, my wife had her own commitments and was aware that she was unable to manage my situation.

The relationship with my wife had been in the balance for many years… and while I was in a wheelchair, one evening,  after a verbal confrontation that had been repeated for a long time, she informed me that our relationship had come to an end, that I had to leave the house or she would abandon it; she had his reasons, had reached too high stress threshold, her brain had to find the solution to save itself or commit suicide, each of us is able to withstand stress at different levels and for this I do not blame her.

I was not ready and not in the condition, to be abandoned by my wife and turned away from my children…it was really the wrong time.

I left the house as soon as I was able to manage myself on crutches; I went to live near my workplace, several kilometers away from my family, bought a second-hand car, went shopping and took my groceries home to the second floor without an elevator, on crutches… I felt abandoned, only in a horrible condition, my promotion to work was suspended, with the risk of being revoked, because that promotion implied that I was able to have normal mobility.

Depression and anger have been traveling companions over the next two and a half years, until it starts to open my eyes and see events under another prospect, another point of view.

THE CORRECT INTERPRETATION OF EVENTS

13th June 2020,

The crisis, the vase of my life was filled with negative situations and events and began to overflow… lonely, without a true friend, only acquaintances and work colleagues… a friend best friend, in my country of origin, was close to me, but it was not enough.

I cried in despair every free moment of my days, in every place; I tried to keep myself, only at work I held back, it was as sort of unreal splitting, the only place of satisfaction, where I could express my true “Myself” docile and understanding but, on returning home … it was like a prison… I missed my daughters; I couldn’t see them every day… I realized that I was sick and that I just could not cure myself, so I started my depression therapy… everything counted, from my childhood, the relationship with my wife and children, the ruined leg that prevented me from doing what I wanted was just the last drop.

Everything seemed clearer, my mind opened to a perspective of life towards the best, towards the positive and with great effort even now I strive to accept and learn every day of my life, as my life must be… happy.

The accident was a divine blessing, I was too stressed and frantic man, my life was always running, always on the edge without due rest… someone up there in heaven noticed that the only way to slow me down was to physically block myself; only after about 3 years I understood the true meaning of everything that happened to me … I am not ashamed to admit that I am guilty of failure and my metal hip was a necessary really deserve for correct a wrong life… but it did not stop me.

When I was under physiotherapy it was as hard as in all cases like mine, my physiotherapist had bet on me the despondency of staying all my life in a wheelchair and getting up to walk for short stretches… but I won the bet… I have two daughters to grow well and a life to live, I could not be discouraged and with great effort and pain I recovered my motor skills; I can’t afford to go back to having the same joint of the pelvis that nature has created but, I am able to walk and live a normal life … nice to say… but it is not all roses and flowers, the nerves part is permanently damaged and some muscles have atrophied and do not recover 100%, I suffer from friction, the femur rubs against the pelvis bone and slowly consume each other; I sleep with insomnia problems, my best friends of the night is a comfortable pillow between my legs… but I don’t get discouraged… The most serious problem to overcome is not my leg… the only and only system to accept and live a happy life was to be a degree, to want, to have the skills, which I did not acquire but, which were already inside me from ever, to reprogram my subconscious and my own mind, reprogram my mind in the positive vision of life … I did not have to make great efforts everything was there inside me, hidden in a place inside me that I identify as ” a dusty old cellar”, where for a lifetime I filled it with negative thoughts and attitudes … now there is no more space in my life for negative attitudes and thoughts, only a positive point of view is guiding me in the direction of happiness.

The separation with my wife also had its positive aspects, it made together, to grown up the own life and common one in mature way; culturally different; different opinions, different life style, we are not allowed to be together but, after a long time we are proud to define the completion of our relationship in a positive way for the sake of our daughter.

My leg hurts every day, every night, every time I walk, but it is my leg, thanks to that, I am back to being the good, confident and successful man, who for a long time I had forgotten… and every day I am reminded when I put on my socks and I must fasten my shoes…for now and ever… I must do by holding my breath, but I do not take my breath away because, from now on it is my leg and it’s part of my wonderful life.

POST-SCRIPTUM

Many people spend their lives in unhappiness without realising how they are really wasting the skills that already belong to them, without realizing that they are unique and special individuals, they do nothing to change their situation, because they are succumb of the system that leads them to constantly assume negative attitudes, live and die in this condition … but some of them are given the opportunity to change, to improve their lives, follow a path that leads them to happiness… sometimes change is traumatic but, necessary for an end at a higher level… when you’re  aware that what you were doing was wrong….and your eyes couldn’t see how your ” yourself” deserved much more… then there some of the “upper sky” will help you by a push, to open your eyes….Opening your eyes is painful, but you have to convince yourself that you are one of those lucky ones who have been chosen to improve their existence.

Trauma comes as hurricanes to teach us that after destruction as they pass, there must be reconstruction… and it is worth rebuilding everything better otherwise the hurricane would not have made any sense.

Think every day that YOU CAN, and YOU WANT your life to be every day and, in every way, always better… you will see that everything will face your life in different point of you and if it is not in that way, it is just because you are watching in the wrong direction.

Giovanni